Hey johanna
Hey, what’s up?
I fucking hate my shitty job. I get to deal with rude ass rich customers who treat me like shit. And I basically get paid nothing. I take on extra shifts. I fix the managers and the assistant mangers mistakes. I keep track of pull dates. I clean up everyones mess from the night before. When it’s the closers responsibility to do that. They leave me with a huge mess each morning and half the inventory shit done so I pretty much have to do it for them along with the final count. They expect me to do this in less than a fucking hour before I open. When I open im alone in the shop for 2 hours. Two fucking hours before I can get help from the next person who comes in. We are the busiest shop and I’m alone for two hours. People come in and ask for huge custom orders and I always have people yelling at me and making me feel stupid. And it’s not like I’m in the back room fixing paper work like the managers. I’m out there for 8 fucking hours with people screaming at my fucking face. It makes me really hate them. I really hate them. I don’t understand how some people can be so cruel over chocolate. They really make me cry sometimes cus people are so fucked up. And I just found out the new hires get paid the same amount as I do. I had to work really hard to get that pay raise. I had to take on shit tons of responsibilities and work a lot of hours. And they get paid the same as I do? I have to train them and I get paid the same as a starting amount. They told me that if I work a bit more hours I’ll get one more dollar in my pay. Thank you. I don’t have any money for lunch or food at home but thank you. Sure I fill out new hire paperwork to make sure they get paid on time cus none of the managers did it. And then they have the nerve to treat me like I don’t know anything. I fix your mistakes. We all work ad a team and you’re treating me like I’m an idiot. I’m not just a regular part time sales clerk if I have to finish your job for you and also have to deal with all the customers.
Anyways I’m sorry for the spelling but im angry cus one of the managers called out at midnight and I just got a text saying I’ll have to work on my day off tomorrow so I can cover his shift that nobody wanted to take. I’m so fucking angry. I wanted my stupid day off but i also can’t say no to money. But I hate this fucking job.
Sometimes, I feel like life is so hard. I try and I try and things never seem to be enough. And I don’t see them as enough. But then I talk to my therapist and she says I’ve done a lot in the past year. I’ve managed to get out of the place I was living in. I managed to get a job where everyone likes me and work hard enough to get a raise. I also pay more rent than my mother currently does. It doesn’t seem like much to most people. To me it doesn’t even seem real. I get so tired when I think about it sometimes. Sometimes I don’t even choose to think about it. It happens in dreams. And I feel these feelings that I should of felt. And I feel awful. Cus I look back and think how can the world be so cruel. I don’t want to look back but my brain makes me. When these things were happening I felt nothing and I made myself think they weren’t a big deal. I was just glad that they were over. But they came back in my head and now that im safe they make me feel terrible. It’s sucks cus I’m meeting a lot of new people. And I feel like this whole other environment is a lot different than my previous one. I used to live in Watts but now I live in Hollywood. I used to feel small in Watts. You can imagine what Hollywood feels like. Everybody is somebody or knows celebrities. I mean I only work at The Grove and I run into a lot of movie people. And some of my coworkers work in movies. It all feels really overwhelming. What am I to do? The world is so big and I’ve been taught to feel so small all my life. It’s only natural that I would feel like crying most days. And my thoughts never seem to stop. I feel like I’m searching really hard sometimes. I never stop. I just wanna know what I’m meant to do. I need to learn how to make myself look big in my eyes. I really have to keep trying and if I feel like crying I should cus I feel like that helps a lot.
I’m learning how to close the shop now. I’m so tired. It’s a lot of stuff to remember and I gotta leave at 11:00pm every time I do it. Even on Sundays which where usually early closing days but The Grove is making everyone stay open later cus of the summer. I don’t want to work at See’s anymore. I don’t wanna work a job in retail/food service anymore. I can’t stand ghe customers and I’m scared that if they keep giving me raises and new responsibilities I’m gonna get too comfortable and stay there for years. I really need to find out what I’m gonna do with me life.
